Caveat – At The White Hatter, we are not youth psychologists or psychiatrists. However, we rely heavily on the solid, evidence-based research provided by these professionals to help inform our understanding and perspectives on the challenges young people face in today’s “onlife” world. With the recent media attention surrounding the Netflix series Adolescence, we’ve noticed many parents suggesting that the show be used in schools to educate teen boys about radicalization, incels, and the manosphere. This is an approach we do not support – something we’ve previously written about.
Naturally, this leads to the next question we often hear from parents and educators: “So what should we be doing instead?”
This article outlines our thoughts, shaped by the research and insights of respected experts in this field such as Dr Jessica Taylor, Dr Sophie King-Hill, Dr Rachel Kowert, Mike Nicholson, Catherine Knibbs, and Richard Pomfrett to name a few, and builds on this article we recently wrote.
In an age where fictional streaming shows like Adolescence attempt to highlight complex issues affecting today’s youth, there’s a rising concern among youth psychologists and psychiatrist that such portrayals may unintentionally do more harm than good, if such shows are taken outside their intended purpose – entertainment. The current conversation around boys, toxic masculinity, and online influences like the manosphere and incel culture that Adolescence portrays, is becoming increasingly muddled, and we believe it’s time we take a step back and reframe the dialogue for those who follow us.
Incel Culture vs. the Manosphere:
First, let’s clarify an important point that’s being overlooked in much of the online discourse: incel and the manosphere are not the same thing. Though the show Adolescence and some media platforms tend to conflate the two, these are distinct cultural phenomena. (1)
- Incel (involuntary celibate) is a movement primarily centred around men who feel they are unable to attract romantic or sexual partners and believe this is due to their genetics, societal standards, or female hypergamy. Incel communities are often defined by deep-rooted feelings of loneliness, sadness, self-hatred, and isolation. Research by Dr. Sophie King-Hill indicates that those who identify with incel ideologies frequently struggle with suicidal ideations and a profound lack of self-worth. (black pill)
- The manosphere, on the other hand, tends to promote hyper-masculine values: dominance, emotional suppression, and the belief that men must always be strong and in control and see women as manipulative or inferior. These communities are often led by so-called “toxic influencers”, such as Andrew Tate who leverage traditional gender norms to gain popularity, influence, and profit. (red pill)
Conflating these two can lead to harmful generalizations that label all teen boys as potential threats, further alienating those who are simply trying to make sense of who they are in a very complicated onlife world.
What we’re seeing in online discussions, and in shows like Adolescence, is a blanket demonization of teen boys. These portrayals suggest that teen boys are inherently violent, emotionless, or likely to embrace misogyny and hate. These stereotypes do not reflect the reality for most boys. In fact, it has been our experience that the vast majority of teen boys express compassion, empathy, and a desire to be good human beings.
As Dr Dr. Sophie King-Hill stated, one boy recently shared with her: “Adults keep telling me I’m the problem, but I’m never allowed to be part of the solution.” That sentiment captures why our current approach to educating on these topics is failing and must change.
We must move away from the outdated notion that all boys experience the world in the same way. Boyhood is not monolithic. It’s diverse, emotional, and complex. When adults make assumptions or use sweeping terms like “toxic masculinity” in education programs, it can send a message to boys that they are broken by default.
Imagine attending a class that begins with the phrase “anti-misogyny education.” (2) Many teen boys immediately feel they’re being accused of something they haven’t done. That shuts down dialogue. Instead, we need to start with respect, curiosity, and a willingness to listen.
The solution isn’t to tell boys what to think. It’s to teach them how to think. Help them build the critical thinking skills to question the content they see online, whether that’s coming from a toxic influencer or an angry incel forum. Invite them to engage in meaningful dialogue. Ask them what they think, and genuinely listen to the answers.
Programs that succeed are those that involve youth, not lecture them. We must create spaces where boys feel safer to express confusion, vulnerability, and fear without judgment. Spaces where they can talk about issues like relationships, identity, loneliness, and pressure, with adults and mentors they respect.
We also need to acknowledge that youth and teen violence is not exclusive to boys. Case studies like the tragic death of Rena Virk remind us that girls, too, can be capable of extreme aggression. (3) Pointing fingers at one gender as “the problem” only reinforces division and ignores the broader societal dynamics at play.
Misogyny and hate must be challenged and called out by parents, caregivers, educators and coaches when observed. But the way we do that matters. Labeling all teen boys as dangerous or toxic only fuels defensiveness and disengagement and feed into the narrative that the manosphere and incels use to their advantage when it comes to indoctrination. Instead, let’s:
- Teach critical thinking rather than impose morality.
- Build relationships with boys based on trust, not fear.
- Create safer, shame-free spaces for boys to talk and question.
- Model positive human interactions instead of attacking masculinity itself.
- Involve teen boys in shaping the programs and conversations meant to help them.
We believe that the research shows us that we must stop vilifying boys, and start equipping them. The future isn’t about controlling teen boys, it’s about trusting them to grow into the thoughtful, empathetic, and self-aware men we know they can become.
If we want to tackle the real issues behind the incel culture, the manosphere, online radicalization, and toxic online spaces, the answer isn’t fear. It’s all about connection!
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