As a parent, it’s normal to feel a bit uncomfortable when it comes to discussing sensitive subjects like human sexuality and pornography with our children. However, it’s vital to understand that children naturally have questions about sex, and this curiosity is perfectly normal and healthy. Unfortunately, with the easy accessibility of pornography online, this curiosity can sometimes lead them down the wrong path. As child psychologist Dr. Jillian Roberts emphasizes, it’s not just about having “the talk” about healthy sex; it’s equally important to have “the other talk” about pornography as well.
Fact – pornography presents unrealistic and unhealthy portrayals of sex, which can distort a teenager’s perception of real relationships and intimacy. Ideally, your child would feel comfortable discussing anything they’ve heard or seen with you. However, many teenagers hesitate to initiate these conversations due to embarrassment, fears of getting in trouble, or not knowing how you’ll react or more importantly, overreact. This then leads them to seeking this information online, or from others, which often leads to pornography.
In the onlife world, it’s highly likely that your child will come across pornography – we have seen this as early as grade 4. That’s why it’s crucial to foster age appropriate, open, and honest discussions about pornography in a supportive family environment. You want your child to feel safe turning to you with any questions or concerns they may have about pornography, rather than seeking information online or from others.
It’s important to establish the right tone for these discussions early on. However, before you educate your child about the potential harms of pornography, take the time to educate yourself first about its impact on individuals, relationships, and society. We have a great resource for parents, caregivers, and educators that we will share at the end of this article to help with this knowledge piece.
The appropriate age to discuss pornography with your child may vary based on your family’s values and your child’s unique circumstances. However, it’s essential to acknowledge that because of the internet, children are encountering pornography at increasingly younger ages, with the average first exposure occurring between 9 and 11 years old. Our recommendation – as soon as you allow your child access to the Internet, you need to start having discussions surrounding pornography and hyper sexualization that they will likely come across either by accident, or on purpose.
When planning to discuss this topic with your child, choose a time when you and your child can talk freely without interruption. Opt for a comfortable and private setting where your child feels free to ask questions and express themselves openly. Often driving with your child in the privacy of your family car is one of the best times to have these types of discussions.
Here are 10 other ideas that we promote to parents, caregivers, and educators to consider:
- Remember – it’s never too early to start talking to your children about healthy sexuality and relationships. As they grow older, their exposure to pornography becomes more likely, so laying a foundation of open communication from a young age is essential.
- Initiate the conversation in a safe and non-judgmental environment. Let your child know that they can talk to you about anything without fear of being shamed or criticized. Building trust is key to keeping the lines of communication open.
- Before discussing the topic with your child, take the time to educate yourself about pornography and its effects. Understand the difference between healthy and unhealthy portrayals of sexuality and be prepared to address any misconceptions or questions your child may have.
- Rather than lecturing or moralizing, use real-life examples or scenarios to illustrate your points. Discuss the potential consequences of consuming pornography, such as unrealistic expectations, objectification, and skewed perceptions of sex and relationships.
- Teach your child to approach pornography with a critical eye. Help them understand that what they see in pornographic material is often not an accurate representation of real-life intimacy or consent. Encourage them to question the messages and images they encounter online.
- Use the conversation as an opportunity to talk about boundaries, consent, and respect in relationships. Emphasize the importance of mutual consent and communication, both in sexual encounters and in everyday interactions.
- Be clear about your family values and expectations regarding pornography. Let your child know what behavior is acceptable and what is not, but also be realistic about the challenges they may face in avoiding exposure to explicit material.
- Let your child know that you are always available to answer questions, offer support, or provide guidance whenever they need it. Reassure them that seeking help or advice does not make them weak or inadequate. Provide them with reputable online resources that they can also turn to for information and guidance.
- Keep an eye on your child’s online activity and consider using parental controls or monitoring software to limit their exposure to pornography at younger ages. However, be mindful of respecting their privacy and autonomy as they get older as they navigate the onlife world.
- The conversation about pornography shouldn’t be a one-time event. Check in with your child regularly to see how they’re doing, address any new concerns or questions that may arise, and reinforce the importance of making responsible choices online.
Remember, the aim of these conversations is to help your child understand the potential negative effects of pornography while establishing a safe space for them to confide in you. Let them know that this will be an ongoing dialogue, and encourage them to approach you with any questions or concerns they may have, and that you will not overreact no matter what they shared with you.
By engaging in age appropriate, open, and honest conversations about pornography with your child, you can help them develop a healthy perspective on human sexuality and relationships, while equipping them with the knowledge and tools to make informed decisions surrounding their access to pornography in today’s onlife world.
In our effort to assist parents in navigating these crucial conversations, we’ve dedicated an entire chapter in our free online parenting web book to this subject. This chapter is brimming with extensive research, insightful information, and expert videos that we hold in high regard. We firmly believe that knowledge, and the understanding and application of that knowledge, is empowering. Therefore, this chapter from our book equips you with the essential knowledge needed to confidently engage in what Dr. Roberts referred to as, “the other talk.”
Remember – if we don’t start talking to our kids about the difference between healthy human sexuality and pornography in an age-appropriate manner, we are leaving it to the online porn industry to do it for us, which is a recipe for disaster! Here at the White Hatter, we have now helped 10 teens (6 identified as male, and 4 identified as female) and their family’s who were experiencing problematic porn habituated behaviour – all 10 are now in counselling to help overcome this behaviour.
“Pornography’s influence has serious implications for young people’s capacity to develop a sexuality that is safe, respectful, mutual and consenting.“
Maree Crabbe
Digital Food For Thought
The White Hatter
