In my 30 years in policing, I learned one powerful lesson that applies far beyond the badge – people just want to be heard. This insight struck me most deeply when I served in our Professional Standards section, where my role often required listening to individuals at their most vulnerable. It wasn’t about solving their problems right away; it was about creating space for them to express their feelings, fears, and frustrations.
As parents and caregivers, we often focus on fixing problems for our kids, especially when it comes to their use of technology. However, we sometimes forget the most crucial step – listening. Just as people in crisis need to feel heard, so do our children. When we approach conversations about technology with an open mind and a willingness to truly listen to our kids, we create trust, understanding, and stronger relationships.
When it comes to kids and technology, many parents and caregivers feel they need to take immediate action. Whether it’s enforcing screen use limits, banning apps, or blocking websites, the instinct to protect is natural. But before we jump into solutions, it’s important to understand the problem, and that starts with listening to our kiddos.
Technology plays a central role in our kid’s lives today. It’s how they connect with friends, explore interests, and express themselves. However, it’s also a space where they may encounter challenges – cyberbullying, social pressures, inappropriate content, or simply feeling overwhelmed. When kids share these concerns, they’re not always looking for us to fix things; they want to be heard and understood.
Listening to your child’s thoughts about technology doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything they say or give up your parental or caregiver authority. Instead, it’s about creating a safe space where they feel comfortable sharing. Here are five tips to help facilitate this safe space discussion process:
1/ Ask Open-Ended Questions
Instead of asking, “Why are you always on your phone?” try, “What do you enjoy most about being online?” This invites a conversation rather than criticism.
2/ Resist Judgement
Even if what they share surprises or worries you, focus on hearing them out. Saying “I’m so disappointed in you” can shut down communication. Instead, try: “Thank you for telling me. Can you help me understand more?”
3/ Reflect Back What You Hear
Use phrases like, “It sounds like you’re feeling…” or “I hear you saying that…” This helps your child feel validated and ensures you understand their perspective.
4/ Be Patient
Sometimes, kids take time to open up. They might test the waters with small disclosures before sharing bigger concerns. Don’t rush the process.
5/ Share Your Own Experiences
Be vulnerable and share times when you’ve faced challenges or made mistakes with technology. This humanizes the conversation and builds trust.
The onlife world your child navigates is likely very different from what you experienced growing up. By listening, you’re not only showing that you care, but you’re also learning about their world. This understanding can help bridge the generational gap and allow you to guide them more effectively.
Once you’ve listened, you’re in a better position to take meaningful action. If your child is struggling with cyberbullying, for example, you can discuss strategies together, whether that’s blocking the bully, reporting the behaviour, or seeking support from their school. If they’re experiencing problematic behaviour with a particular app, you might explore tools to manage usage together rather than imposing strict limits without explanation.
By involving your child in the solution, you’re empowering them to take ownership of their digital habits while reinforcing that you’re their ally, not their adversary.
Just like the people I encountered in policing, your child doesn’t expect you to have all the answers. They simply want to be heard. When you take the time to listen, you’re showing them that their feelings matter and that you’re there to support them in navigating the complexities of today’s onlife world.
In the end, listening is about more than solving problems when it comes to your kids and their use of technology – it’s about building a foundation of trust that will last a lifetime. Whether your child is facing a tech-related challenge or simply wants to share their latest online or offline discovery, your willingness to listen can make all the difference.
Digital Food For Thought
The White Hatter – Darren
Facts Not Fear, Facts Not Emotions, Enlighten Not Frighten, Know Tech Not No Tech
